by Nom D. Plume
The Acessory Press
LORDSTOWN, OHIO -- In a surprise announcement, Vice-President Joe Biden revealed that he will not be present at the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte, NC next week. Instead, he has decided to commit to a life-long dream and will be enrolling at the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Clown College.
"It's less of a professional thing, more of a vocation," he said to a sympathetic press corps earlier today. "I mean, I've always been interested in clowning. It just sort of comes out, you know? I figure it's just time in my life to say yes to the floppy shoes and admit that, deep down, I'm a clown."
This decision is apparently one that has been a long time coming. "I've been taking correspondence courses for a while now," admitted Biden. "Well, hearing voices in my head. That's the same thing, right? I think they beam the internet right into my fillings. Amazing what you can do with technology these days."
Biden indicating that he plans to pursue a course of study that emphasizes his innate abilities to beclown himself. "There's Advanced Gaffes and Humorously Insensitive Statements, which I'm really looking forward to," he said. "I'm also looking at a minor in inappropriate racially-tinged humor."
Giving his well-known smile, Biden quipped, "I'm kind of trying to go with my strengths here."
When a member of the audience pointed out that the Clown College has been closed for more than a decade, Biden snorted. "That's what they'd like you to think," he said. "If it's been closed, where do you think we get folks like Michael Moore and Nancy Pelosi, huh? 'We have to pass the bill so that you can find out what is in it?' That's pure comedy gold, man! I can only hope that one day I'll be as ridiculous as that."
Biden ended the conference without taking any questions. "Now, y'all keep an eye out for me. I'm thinking of using 'Slow Joe' as my stage name - there's a lot of brand recognition there, obviously," he said. "I haven't really ruled out Joe Bidenopolous, though."
Soon afterwards, Senior White House advisor Valerie Jarrett announced that the Obama 2012 campaign would immediately begin the search for a new Vice-Presidential candidate.
"We're looking for an empty chair, something in a cheap post-colonial," said Jarrett. "Something kind of tasteless and pretentious. The kind of thing that nobody every really wants, but everyone thinks looks cool."
"Besides," she finished, "It would be kind of nice to have a matching set."
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