Al & Mel

I'm not sure what I can say, other that that (a) I think this is probably the funniest thing I've ever written, and (b) I must have re-read it a dozen times, and it still makes me laugh.

What can I say.  I amuse myself.

Zaravorkal the grad student sorcerer discussing fatherhood with his best friend, former roommate, and current DARPA Dark Projects employee, Melchior the lich...

“I’m telling, you, Mel,” he said. “I love her more than life itself, but I’m not sure I can take much more of the pooping.”

“Wait,” said Mel. “Is this about Betty? Because that’s way TMI.”

Al punched Mel in the shoulder. “No! It’s Grace. She’s a freaking little poop machine. She just started walking, too.” He shuddered. “So now she’s cute little walking, cooing, poop generator.”

Mel shrugged. “That’s kids for you, man. How bad is it, though? Really?”

Al started at him. “It. Is. Vile. Amazingly vile. Sometimes, the smell is… ugh.” He gulped. “I get nauseous just thinking about it.”

“Seriously?” said Mel. “Didn’t you have to visit the slime pits of Maduphari as part of a graduate seminar?”

“Yeah,” Al said. “I had to wade through the sewers of Calcutta just to get to the pits. This is worse. She kicks when you change her.” He reached over and grabbed Mel’s shoulder. “She kicks. Mel, she gets it everywhere when she kicks.” He shook Mel. “Everywhere. Everywhere. WHICH INCLUDES IN MY MOUTH.”

Mel opened his mouth, then closed it again. After a moment, he spoke. “Al. Al. I am animated skeleton. I completely lack a digestive system. Despite the fact that it is absolutely physically impossible, I am pretty sure that I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.”